Hitman: Agent 47 is a reboot coming on the heels of it's predecessor. The original Hitman was released back in 2007 and was not well-received. So, of course, a decision was made to blink the first film out of existence canonically with the hope that the follow-up would be more successful. Now video game movies have a well established track record for turning into horrible adaptations of beloved series but even with that in mind, I wasn't prepared for the travesty that was Hitman: Agent 47. Skip Woods has written both films and quite honestly, I hope he stops there. It is quite clear that this movie was made with no intention of being faithful to the source material but rather with the intent to appeal to a mass audience and ironically falls flat in that attempt as well.

Based on the popular video game series developed by IO Interactive, Hitman: Agent 47 revolves around a cloned assassin for hire known only as Agent 47 (Rupert Friend) whose skilled expertise places him in high demand among the wealthy and elite. He's the culmination of decades of research, endowed with unprecedented strength, speed, stamina and intelligence. His latest target is a corporation that plans to unlock the secret of his past to create an army of killers even more powerful than him. With help from a young woman, the unique assassin confronts revelations about his own origins in an epic battle with his deadliest foe.

Hitman: Agent 47's plot does not go beyond anything seen in the trailers which is disappointing because this particular story is ripped directly from a recent installment in the series so the movie doesn't even have the distinction of possessing a shred of originality. Hitman has always been about stealth, with focus placed upon 47's resourcefulness and ability to carefully navigate through the environment before eliminating unassuming targets. These moments are few and far between and have been replaced with unnecessary scenes with an emphasis on heavy action. Disguises make their way in as they did in the first film along with a number of other callbacks to the series. I will say that the stunt coordinators deserve special mention because specific action sequences are impressive but are not enough to salvage this disaster. The Audi product placement is really annoying and is just another clue as to the motivations behind the film. But the best example that demonstrates the lack of thought and care that went into this film is the fact that Zachary Quinto's character is named John Smith, which drew a groan from the audience when he was first introduced on screen.

With the current slate of movies out this weekend, I cannot possibly recommend this film. It is simply a bland and uninspired take on a character that had the potential to be portrayed as an enigmatic individual. Even the most hardcore Hitman fan will find it difficult to appreciate this film because it strays too far from what makes the stealth series special by offering up a generic action movie and a pretty pathetic one at that.

Grade: C-

I must admit, as much as I like gritty and modern and dark spy flicks such as Skyfall and A Most Wanted Man, I’ll always have a soft spot in my heart for the old Sean Connery Bond flicks from the 60s. I know they often come across as really campy in the modern day, but the style just has such a charm to it. It has the retro 60s antiquated fashion, the shoe phones and exploding pens, and the nefarious secret organizations trying to take over the world. But overall, they never took themselves too seriously and always knew how to have a bit of a laugh. This is something that has largely vanished from our movie screens lately, but Guy Ritchie has brought it back with The Man from U.N.C.L.E.

Based on the classic NBC TV series of the same name, The Man from U.N.C.L.E. stars Henry Cavil (Man of Steel) and Armie Hammer (The Lone Ranger) as respectively Napoleon Solo and Illya Kuryakin. The former is a CIA agent and the latter of the KGB, and both of them are the best of the best in the high-stakes world of Cold War intelligence. They first encounter each other in East Berlin where they are each tasked with pursuing a woman named Gaby Teller (Alicia Vikander, Ex Machina). Solo manages to get her over the Wall, but the next day each man is introduced to each other by their superiors and told they’re going to have to work together. Gaby’s father is an ex-Nazi scientist who recently developed a method to quickly and cheaply produce nuclear scientist and then vanished without a trace. Both the American and Soviets are afraid the secret will be sold to the highest bidder, and so Kuryakin and Solo must put aside their differences and, well, save the world.

I will preface this by saying that I’ve only seen a few episodes of the original The Man from U.N.C.L.E., but even so the movie does a remarkably good job at preserving what made the show so neat. Henry Cavil nails the distinct diction and vocal style which Robert Vaughn used to give Napoleon Solo his unique characterization, and both Cavil and Hammer nail the dangerous but also playful chemistry that makes the relationship between Solo and Kuryakin so interesting to watch. This film also nails the distinct 60s vibe that you never see anymore. Vikander is frequently dressed in bright orange and lime green retro dresses while Cavil and Hammer have the stylish suits and standard spy turtlenecks (although they didn’t invent the turtleneck). The movie has a number of spy gadgets like (enormous) satellite trackers and grappling guns, although it averts the really ridiculous stuff like cars with ejector seats. And who are the villains? Well Nazis of course! I mean, who makes a better villain than Nazis?

 But most importantly this film has its tongue stuck firmly in its cheek. It’s not an out-and-out comedy or parody, but it never takes itself too seriously. Some highlights include a scene where Kuryakin is frantically trying to evade his attackers in a speedboat while Solo calmly watches from the shore while eating an antipasto dish, a scene involving Vikander trying to get Hammer to dance around a hotel room with her in their pajamas, and a surprisingly funny scene involving a Nazi torturer (it makes sense in context).

All of this is stuff you just don’t see anymore, and for that reason this movie feels like a breath of fresh air in an atmosphere of frequently grimdark movies. It’s certainly a throwback, and I can’t see this breaking the trend of modern dark and violent films; this ship sailed long ago. But you, I’m fine with that. It may just be a quirky little spy movie, but it brought back some fond memories and made me laugh, and honestly I’m perfectly content with that.

Grade: B+

As any of you who have read my reviews before knows, I am a geek. However, I cannot lay claim to the dominion of comic book geek. I didn’t start reading comic books until I was in high school, and when I finally started I didn’t read Superman or Avengers; I read Watchmen, V for Vendetta, and The Sandman, none of which are even close to typical superhero fare. This is why I’ve been less excited than many about the recent spate of blockbuster super movies. One of the few I was actually interested in was Fox’s reboot of Fantastic Four, mostly because I just want something other than Marvel films at this point. Sure, the last incarnation wasn’t very good, but it was directed by Josh Trank (who did Chronicle) and stars Miles Teller and Kate Mara (from Whiplash and House of Cards). I mean, how bad could it be?

But holy shit was this movie bad.

Our main character is Reed Richards (Miles Teller), Mr. Fantastic, although he’s never called that in the movie. Instead of being an astronaut like in the previous movies and original comic book, Richards is a scientist experimenting with teleportation technology (this movie is actually based on the more recent Ultimate Fantastic Four comic series). He, with the help of his friend Ben (Jaime Bell) built a glitchy prototype teleportation machine in the fifth grade. No one takes his work seriously until he’s discovered by Dr. Franklin Storm (Reg E. Cathey), a physicist at a fabulously wealthy research institute which funds Reed’s research. He also gets the help of Dr. Franklin’s two children, Johnny (Michael B. Jordan) and Sue (Kate Mara), and a brilliant but cynical scientist named Victor (Toby Kebbell). Eventually, of course, they’re able to finish the machine, and teleport themselves to an alternate dimension. But something goes wrong and they are all exposed to the hazardous environment of the other world, which changes them in unexpected ways.

First of all, I want to apologize to all my readers. In one of my recent reviews, I called the horror movie The Gallows the literal personification of They Just Didn’t Care. But as it turns out, I was wrong: in reality, that high honor goes to Fantastic Four. Nobody in this movie gave a fuck, most obviously the actors. They deliver each of their lines with the enthusiasm of a suicidally depressed clown hired to do an emo teenager’s birthday party. They have no emotion, no feeling, and no external display of anything at all other than sheer unadulterated apathy. I know that these are not the greatest actors ever, but anyone who’s seen Whiplash or House of Cards, both excellent productions, can easily tell that Teller and Mara didn’t even try. But at least they have good portfolios to fall back on; this movie could very well be a career killer for everyone else in the film.

Of course, the horrible delivery is certainly not helped by the absolutely atrocious writing. This movie is like if someone watched a YouTube video called something like “The 50 Best Movie Quotes in 100 Seconds” and wrote an entire script around it. Oh, and also while having absolutely no talent or experience. Basically every line is some stupid, predictable, cliché line which sounds like it came out of a shitty action movie from the 80s. Some of my favorites include: “We started this together, we’re gonna finish this together”, “We can’t defeat him alone, but we can defeat him together!” and “Flame On”, which couldn’t sound more lifeless if it was said by a corpse. Oh, and in case you haven't noticed, they really like to talk about teamwork. They talk so fucking much about teamwork. And every other aspect of the movie is awful as well, (if only slightly less blatantly) from the poorly-done special effects to Doctor Doom's terrible-looking costume and the complete lack of any but the most shallow and boring characterization.  

In the post-viewing discussion of this movie, many of my critic friends bashed the movie for simply being bland and boring. That was not how I felt. Watching this movie is what I imagine electroshock therapy feels like. I didn’t know if was possible for a movie to actually cause me physical pain, but I guess you learn something new every day. Someone jokingly said before the movie that this movie was only made so the film rights wouldn’t revert back to Marvel, but after watching it I believe that is completely true. I utterly refuse to believe that anyone involved in the making of this movie gave one single shit about it, or even had the barest illusion that it was even trying to be good. Fantastic Four is the worst movie I’ve seen all year; The Gallows at least had the saving grace of being entertainingly bad. This movie is just the latest piece of garbage that Hollywood has spent an unconscious able amount of money making, and everyone should avoid it like the plague so that Fox loses as much money as possible on it. Because no matter how badly this movie bombs, it won’t be enough to punish them for inflicting this utter disaster on the public.

Grade: F