Our story begins with a former soldier and mercenary named Wade Wilson (That’s me! Hello!), played by Ryan Reynolds (Who’s pretty sexy). He’s mostly retired from a life of violence and now makes his living doing small time jobs like beating up stalkers and bouncing (I know, I used to be so small time). One day, he meets a very attractive woman named Vanessa (played by Morena Baccarin) and falls in love (See? It is a romantic comedy!). But Wade’s life falls apart when he’s diagnosed with late-stage cancer (…so still a romantic comedy). Desperate for a little more time with Vanessa, he accepts an offer from a shady organization which claims they can cure him and make him a superhero (I mean, it seemed like a good idea at the time…). Although they succeed in giving him super healing powers, Wade finds out that they’re trying to make him a super slave (Such pricks, 1 star on Yelp) and escapes. And then the roaring rampage of revenge begins…
Sounds of struggle, shots fired, pools of blood.
Hey kiddies, Deadpool here! Although I could let this guy keep writing about my movie, I thought it would be so much better if I told you about it myself! So like he said in the first paragraph, what makes my movie better than everyone else’s is that I am just so much funnier than all of them. I even got the people making the movie in on it; the credits begin with “Directed by an overpaid tool”, “Starring a hot chick, a British villain, and the sexiest man alive”, and “Written by the writers: the real heroes here”. We only hired and cast the funniest people, because I’m worth it *L’Oreal*. Also, in case you haven’t noticed yet…somehow…I have the ability to break the fourth wall and talk to you lovely viewers whenever I want! Isn’t that just great?!
So basically, my movie is the best one ever made. Move over Star Wars, step aside Citizen Kane, Deadpool is in town! We won’t even need to have an Academy Awards ceremony this year; they can just FedEx me all the Oscars in the mail! Won’t that be easier for everyone involved?
Grade: A (Not A+ asshole?! Now daddy has some anger issues to let out…)